Diagnosed
by Royal Puppet Master
Summary: "I'm sorry, sir, there really is no cure for what he is. He will always be like this." He readjusted his glasses trying not to look the devastated father in the eye. Alfred has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. This is AU takes place during high school.
1. Chapter 1

A.N./ I've had such an urge to write, but my laptop had taken to having a horrible demise Now, however, I can finally write!

* * *

"I'm sorry, sir, there really is no cure for what he is. He will always be like this." He readjusted his glasses trying not to look the devastated father in the eye.

"No cure? No cure! Are you seriously telling me that there is nothing I can do? Are you telling me he will always be this way? I can't accept that. There must be something. Counseling, some sort of therapy, there must be something. Hell, I will even allow electric shock therapy. I cannot, no, I will not let him continue on this way. Tell me, doctor, what can I do?" Arthur's voice quivered slightly. He did not want to leave this room. Not with that thing out there waiting for him. Alfred was in his mind already. He grabbed ahold of the doctor's arm.

"Please, I don't know what to do anymore. He's… He's gotten so out of hand." The doctor placed a hand on his shoulder as if to apologize.

"Behavioral therapy may be an option, but there is not a guarantee. He will manipulate any therapist you take him to in order to make them think he is 'all better', but he will not change. I'm sorry to have to tell you this." The doctor pulled away from Arthur. He stood with his arms folded in front of him looking at Arthur as he processed the information.

"I understand." His son was now classified by the DSM IV. He turned and walked out of the room to where Alfred was sitting impatiently. He was kicking his legs back and forth in a bored fashion. Arthur walked up beside him. He didn't know what to say to the lad. What do you say to someone like this? He couldn't help but believe it was all his fault.

"Let's go, Alfred." Arthur could barely utter the sentence. The diagnosis took so much away from him and from his son. His child would never be normal. He could act it all he pleased, but he was now professionally diagnosed a monster.

"So I've got it, huh?" He looked up at Arthur. He was only fourteen. Not a real classification yet, but he would be when he turned eighteen.

"Yes, you've got it. I'm sorry to tell you this." Arthur managed to grind out of his mouth. He took a deep breath through his nose. Alfred stood staring at him. They were in front of their car now.

"No you aren't. Don't lie, dad. I can tell when you're lying. You're not sorry to tell me at all. You're just sorry that I got diagnosed." Alfred smirked at him. Arthur unlocked the car.

"You have a behavioral disorder. It is nothing to be ashamed about, son." It was all his fault. He should have stopped him when he saw him pull his brother's hair. He should have stopped him when he ran in front of that truck. He should have stopped him from doing so many things. It was all his fault.

"You think I'm a monster. So does the doctor. Some doctor he is. He could barely stand it when I psychoanalyzed him back. He said it was another one of my symptoms." Alfred scowled at the thought of the good doctor. Arthur just smiled. He didn't like the doctor either. He was the bearer of bad news.

"Get in the car, Alfred." He slid into the driver's seat and started up the car. Alfred slid into the passenger's seat.

"I don't think you're a monster. I think we will just have to work a little harder to control your impulses and such. I want you to live a normal life, son." It was quiet after that. The ride home was awkward without Alfred's usual chitter chatter. It was somewhat disappointing that his son wasn't trying to talk his ear off. He looked over at his son playing games on his phone. A diagnosed monster. Arthur sighed.

"For what it's worth, I'll try to understand you." Arthur muttered hoping Alfred would not hear him. Alfred's head snapped up and he smirked.

"That's exactly what I'll need." He smiled that creepy smile of his and went back to his game. Arthur's grip tightened on the wheel. This was his son. It was his monster.

_A few years later…_

Alfred sat in class flicking pieces of paper at his brother's head. First period wasn't interesting anyway. Matthew kept flinching every time a piece hit his head. Alfred couldn't help the smirk that fell on his face when he saw Matthew turn around and glare at him.

"Alfred, where is your homework?" Mr. Wang stood staring at him expectantly. He had everyone else's homework in his hand already.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Wang! My dad fell down and broke his ankle yesterday. Mattie and I spent all night at the hospital with him. He should be going into surgery in a few minutes. I'll have to call and check in on him here after a while, but I completely forgot about my homework. I'll get it done tonight. I swear!" Alfred looked so apologetic and tired that Mr. Wang let it go. He didn't want to worry the poor boy anymore than he already was.

"Just get it to me tomorrow." Mr. Wang kept walking and collecting everyone else's homework besides Alfred's and of course Matthew's who was forgotten.

Alfred kept up his worried look until a few minutes before class ending. He walked right up to Mr. Wang's desk and smiled politely.

"Do you mind if I call the hospital? I wanna check up on my old man." He held out his hand expectantly for the phone. Mr. Wang tossed him the phone and went back to checking his mail. He kept an eye on Alfred with his phone to make sure he was actually calling the hospital. The boy had a habit of lying.

Alfred dialed the hospital's number and waited for someone to pick up. A few rings later and he heard the nice voice of a nurse.

"Hi, yeah I'm calling to check up on the patient in room 212. Yes, I'm his son. I know I sound a little young. He had me and my brother at a young age." Alfred had no idea who was in room 212. He just took a guess of a room number and was happy that someone was in it. He had a great amount of luck.

"May I talk to him? I'm a bit worried. Yes, thank you." He waited a moment before an elderly gentleman was put on the phone.

"Hey dad. I was just calling to check on you before your surgery. Yeah… I just called to say that I love you… I know it's not life threatening, but I just want you to know. Bye, dad." He hung up the phone and smiled at his teacher. Apparently the man he just talked to didn't have a son. It was kind of funny the way he cussed at him telling him that he was off his rocker.

"Thanks for letting me talk to him." The bell rang before the teacher had a moment to say anything. He ran out the door grabbing his backpack on the way. He had to figure out what he was going to say to get out of lab today.

As he walked to his second period the creepy guy grabbed his arm. He smiled at him with his eyes narrowed slightly. He never liked this kid.

"Fredka, that was an interesting tale this morning. If I did not know you better I would have said you were lying. Of course, you wouldn't do that, now would you? Of course not. It certainly wasn't your father who dropped you off this morning." Ivan gripped his arm tighter as Alfred's smile fell a little. This was why he didn't like this kid. He always saw too much. The only good thing about him was he usually said too little to get in his way. Ivan did have a history for blackmail, though.

"Ivan, your pretty eyes must have deceived you. My dad's in the hospital with a _broken_ ankle. He couldn't have dropped me off this morning like he does every morning. That's impossible. It was my neighbor, Francis. He has a thing for dad so he'll do anything he asks." Alfred could tell a lie faster than the normal person could tell the truth.

"Must have been my mistake. Francis has gotten some very bushy eyebrows lately and much slimmer." Ivan smirked at him. Alfred laughed his usual laugh so that no one would think anything of their conversation.

"Ivan you are so weird! That's why I love ya!" He took off to his next class without another word. That brat was a threat. The only reason he hadn't dealt with him was that he never really got in his way. Ivan knew his boundaries quite well. Alfred hoped he wouldn't forget them.

He walked into second period and everyone stared at him. Something was up. He just smiled and walked into the room. He sat next to some guy named Ludwig.

"What's everyone staring at?" He smiled even more politely than he usually did.

"I do not know." Ludwig answered in a gruff voice. Alfred ignored him in favor of the cute boy next to Ludwig.

"What about you, Feli, do you know what everyone's talking about?" He leaned closer to Ludwig as he said this to show the big man who's boss.

"They're all talking about how you and Katyusha broke up." He piped up practically jumping in his seat. Alfred smiled at him.

"Of course they are. She's a very nice girl and I'm a really awesome guy. They expect us to be together, but I have my sights set on someone new. Someone a little more interesting…" He didn't dare say who. He knew that everyone would be guessing who by lunch. It was very funny to see it all happen. He didn't really have anyone in mind, but Feliciano was a jabber jaws and he would take his guess a thousand times over before he eventually gave up.

"Who is it? Is it Natasha? She's a little young, but really pretty." Feliciano smiled at him. He was getting excited and he climbed into Ludwig's lap which was really funny watching him blush.

"It isn't Natasha. Keep trying." He smiled and leaned back. He propped his feet up on his desk. The bell would ring soon.

"It's Elizabeta! It has to be! She's the only girl who can keep up your fighting spirit!" Feliciano exclaimed and bounced a little. Alfred almost rolled his eyes.

"It's definitely not Elizabeta. I'm not going to tell you who it is. I think it's kinda funny how you want to know so bad." He couldn't help the slight smirk that graced his lips for a moment.

He jumped up as the bell rang. He didn't feel like class today. He walked out right past the teacher and gave her a little wink as he made his way to the gazebo outside. Alfred pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up.

Ivan came up and sat down beside him. He cast him a bored look and took a drag of his cigarette. He tossed it on the ground after he was finished.

"Nice to meet you here, comrade." Ivan smiled at him. It was so creepy the way he did that. It was like he knew things that he shouldn't and very often he did. He was dangerous.

"What do you want, Ivan?" He lit up another cigarette and looked at Ivan expectantly.

"Why would you assume I want something? Perhaps I just want company." He had the audacity to smirk at him! Alfred couldn't help the scowl that appeared on his face.

"You always want something and trust me when I say that it's never just company." Alfred leaned toward him with a sickly sweet smile.

"Well, the front office keeps some of the worst records I've ever seen!" Ivan remarked his smile getting bigger. Alfred pulled back a little. He knew then.

"I wouldn't know." His smile dropped off his face. He leaned back away from Ivan.

"It is rather interesting. Your diagnosis." Alfred tried to keep the scowl off of his face this time.

"Well, I know you won't tell anyone, will you, Ivan?" He smiled even sweeter than before.

"That depends on what you have to offer me." Ivan smiled and leaned in closer to Alfred.

"Do you realize who you are dealing with?" Alfred's eyes narrowed just slightly.

* * *

A.N./ Oh how much fun this will be! Anybody guess what he is diagnosed with? I left a bunch of clues!


	2. Chapter 2

A.N./ My reviewers are strangely familiar with personality disorders. This is very odd. I know I am since I want to go into the research part of psychology.

* * *

Ivan smirked and leaned back. Alfred's eyes narrowed. He was up to something that was for sure. He smiled at him and scooted closer

"Comrade, I know exactly who I am dealing with." Ivan's smirk grew wider. Alfred scoffed at him and pulled away slightly.

He never liked this boy too much. He knew way too much than was good for him. It was about time someone put him in his place. An idea was forming in his head.

"What do you want?" Alfred's voice was back to his normal happy go lucky tone. He smiled cheerfully at Ivan who kept smiling in return.

"Ah, that is a very good question." Alfred waited a moment for him to continue. He scowled when he realized Ivan had no intent on telling him.

Alfred jumped up when the bell rang. He debated on going to his next class, but decided home sounded like a much better option.

"Well, if you won't tell me here, then how about we head to my house?" He stretched his arms watching Ivan as he did so. He could see Ivan was trying to analyze the situation. He was deciding if it was safe for him to come home with Alfred. He shrugged and started walking to his house. Ivan would follow.

He could hear Ivan walking to catch up with him. He rolled his eyes when he finally fell in step with Alfred.

"So tell me about yourself." He smiled at Ivan. Anything he could use to get this monkey off his back.

"I have two sisters. One is older and the other younger." Alfred scoffed at him. It was times like these when Alfred could tell Ivan was not from America.

The walk continued in silence. Alfred didn't feel it necessary to speak to someone like Ivan. It was only necessary as long as he suited his purposes.

Suddenly he heard a sound that made his eyes light up. He turned his head looking for the source of the sound. There he saw the most beautiful thing that ever crossed his eyes.

"Ice cream!" His eyes lit up as he ran to the ice cream truck. He was bouncing on his toes waiting as it slowed down.

"I want… I want… I want everything. My buddy over there will pay for it." He smiled happily at the thoughts of all the frozen treats. The ice cream man stared at him for a minute before he started gathering all of the treats and sticking them in bags. He handed them to Alfred who took them willingly and walked away leaving Ivan to pay for it.

His house wasn't very far away so he didn't have to worry about them melting. Today was a good day. He walked inside of his house and dumped the ice cream in the fridge.

Ivan walked in a few moments after him. Alfred didn't bother to pay attention to him as he unwrapped a fudge sickle.

"This is your house." Ivan was looking around probably for something incriminating. Alfred rolled his eyes. There wasn't anything that could incriminate him at his home. It was almost picturesque. The only thing missing was a mother and Alfred didn't dwell too much on that. She left them when he was diagnosed. He never liked her a great deal.

"I have a brother and a father. Mom's gone." He came out of the kitchen to find Ivan studying a family portrait on the mantle place.

"My older sister takes care of us." He must know Alfred has access to the records in the front office. He would have to check it out. He never paid much attention to Ivan before he started snooping about. It was so annoying.

"What is your favorite color, Alfred?" Ivan sat down on the couch and made himself comfortable. Alfred sat beside him and almost scowled.

"Red, white, and blue. I can't decide for sure. I'm sure yours is black just like your little heart." Alfred smiled at him and nudged his shoulder playfully.

"You are so kind, Alfred." The smiled from Ivan's face fell a little. That made him coming over a little bit worth it. He sat down on the couch and flipped on the TV.

"I have this problem." Ivan started, but stopped. Alfred glanced at him, though he kept his focus mostly on the TV. His favorite show was on. He waited for Ivan to go on.

"My sister, Natasha, has been a bit… clingy lately. I was wondering if I could enlist your help to… make her a little more… tolerable I suppose you could say." Ivan kept pausing in his sentence trying to figure out the right words. Alfred finished his fudge sickle. He muted the TV commercials and turned to Ivan.

"Tolerable? That's it? No help me kill this person or I tell everyone about your diagnosis?" Alfred was skeptical at best. He saw his show was coming back on so he turned the volume up. Ivan looked slightly annoy, but didn't say anything. He waited patiently for Alfred's answer.

"I can date her." He supplied helpfully when the show went to commercial break again. He didn't bother to mute it this time. It was almost over.

This was boring. Alfred jumped up. His attention never stayed too long on something he didn't deem entertaining enough. He took a second before going into the kitchen for another Popsicle.

"She won't want to date you!" Ivan called from the living room. He sounded annoyed with him. Alfred came back in with a cherry flavored Popsicle.

"I'll charm her. She'll fall in love with me and leave you alone. I can be quite persuasive when I want to be. Just trust me." Ivan narrowed his eyes. Alfred kept the look of perfect innocence. Appearances could be deceiving, but never more so than with this guy in front of him.

"My sister is… borderline if that makes any sense to you." Ivan turned off the TV. It was full of loud and annoying sounds and people who should really be slaughtered for agreeing to do that in front of an audience.

Alfred just scoffed. He bit into his Popsicle and chewed. This was slightly more interesting than before. He was going to contemplate Ivan's proposition when the phone rang.

He walked over and picked it up. The caller ID said it was the school. They were probably wondering where he went off to.

"Kirkland residence, Francis speaking." He knew the school didn't have his dad's cell and he also knew that they didn't know his neighbor. Today was going to be a really good day.

"Hi, Mr. Kirkland, this is Dana Young from your son's high school. I noticed that he wasn't in his third or second period and it doesn't look like he was checked out." The lady's voice was caked with sugar. He could practically feel it oozing through the phone. It was fake. He could tell.

"Ah, yes, I pulled him out of class earlier. The woman at the front desk didn't ask me to sign him out so I didn't think I needed to." The woman on the phone let out a deep breath. Alfred knew the girl at the front desk had only been there a week.

"I see. What was the reason you pulled him out? I'll just need to fix a few things on the attendance record." Alfred smiled. People were just so easy. No one questioned as much as they should which was just fine with him. It made his life a little easier.

"His father, my partner, is in the hospital with a broken ankle. I pulled him out because he was so worried. Matthew said that he would stay at school and to pull him out just in case." Alfred's voice rolled off his tongue so smoothly that he could swear it was the truth.

Ivan sat through the conversation smirking. Alfred was a good liar. It was like he believed he was telling the truth. One had to respect him for that if nothing else.

"I see… No problem, Mr. Kirkland. I'll just fix the records and everything will be just fine. Call me if you need anything else." The woman's voice lost all compassion when she heard the word partner. Not big on gays. Not really his problem. Alfred hung up the phone and turned to Ivan.

"Ivan, you take my secret to your grave and your sister will be out of your hair in less than two weeks." Alfred smiled at him and held out his hand as though to make some sort of deal.

Ivan took his hand a smiled. He couldn't tell if he was lying or not. His smile just seemed to fall into place. It was like a movie star's. They shook hands.

"It is a deal." Ivan said it simply and let go.

* * *

A.N./ Ah, entertainment. Many of the Hetalia characters can be diagnosed with something if you look hard enough. Well, at least it's more kid friendly than Disney.


	3. Chapter 3

Alfred never really cared for deals. A promise with him wasn't really meant to be kept. It wasn't something he was particularly worried about. Everyone who knew him knew he had a "horrible" memory.

Ivan had went home or back to school. Whichever it was. He didn't feel the need to look into it. Ivan wasn't very interesting. He had stupid, boring problems that could easily be solved with just a little brain power. Honestly, his sister wasn't that hard of a nut to crack. She couldn't be really. Obsession was so malleable that he didn't even need to work hard to form her mind into what he wanted.

It was easy enough to start tomorrow. Or next week. Whatever fit his schedule. He went upstairs and plugged in his game console. A few war games sounded good right now.

A few good hours of playing later and his brother came home finally.

"Alfred!" And he was angry. Boring. Alfred saved his game just in time for Matthew to come barging into his room without knocking. How rude.

"People have been apologizing to me all day! So sorry your dad's in the hospital! I don't care if you want to skip class, but please try to keep me out of your hair brained schemes." Matthew stood in the doorway fuming. He was shaking with anger. Alfred could barely keep himself from rolling his eyes. It wasn't like this was a big deal or anything. Why couldn't people just leave well enough alone and stop questioning so much? It was too much trouble sometimes.

"I'm sorry, Mattie! I didn't even think before I said those things. I didn't mean to include you in my stupidity. Can I make it up to you?" A few tears at the eyes. Look in the mirror behind Matthew's head to see if the pleading look was right. Check.

Matthew seemed to visibly deflate. He went back to his normal kind and sweet demeanor. He wasn't that angry then.

"You can explain to dad what you did." Annoying. Why did dad even have to know? It wasn't like it was hurting anything. He wasn't failing any classes or anything. Who cares if he wasn't there a day or two? What did it matter if he told a lie to keep the peace? Which would their teacher rather hear? This class is boring or dad is in the hospital. It's really a simple choice.

"No problem. Are you gonna cook dinner?" He powered off the game console. Then stood up and walked over to Matthew.

"No, I was thinking we could order in or something." Matthew spoke quietly. He always seemed like he never wanted to upset Alfred. It was kind of funny. Alfred, of course, didn't want to hurt Matthew simply because it would be more of an inconvenience during later dates.

"Pizza? I'll call your boyfriend if you pay for it." Alfred smiled at Matthew.

"I think I'm getting the worst part of the deal." He declared dryly. Alfred tried to keep the smirk off his face. His brother could be so funny sometimes.

"No way! I'm the one who has to deal with an annoying narcissist!" Matthew glared at him. He never did have any tolerance for jokes about his beau.

"Gil is not a narcissist. He just has a very healthy ego." Alfred gave him a blank look.

"Matthew, I have a healthy ego. He has an ego the size of the Pacific Ocean. There is a difference." Alfred walked by Matthew right out his bedroom door. His dad kept a rainy day stash hidden in the cookie jar. That was a horrible place to put it considering Alfred had a thing for cookies and stealing rainy day money.

"Maybe he is a bit egocentric, but he cares for me!" Alfred pulled out twenty bucks for his part of the money and handed it to Matthew.

"He cares a whole lot about himself is all I'm saying. I bet you he wakes up every morning, looks into the mirror, and goes yeah I'd fuck me." Alfred smirked and pulled out his phone. He had Gilbert saved under narcissistic asshole in his phone. It was fine. It wasn't like he would ever find out. He dialed Gilbert's number and waited until the asshole finally picked up.

"Yo, Gil, how's it going?" Alfred was oozing charm by the time Gilbert picked up.

"It's going good. I was just taking a new picture when you rang. What do you want anyway? You never call unless you want something." Straight to the point. Lovely.

"What I can't call if I don't want something? What if I just decided to say hello? Maybe I called so I could tell you how amazing you are. Ever thought of that?" Alfred smirked. Hook line and sinker.

"Well, I can always go for a little of that. Mind if I come over and grace you with my awesome presence?" This was all just too easy.

"I would be more than honored. Mattie and I will be waiting patiently for your beauty." He hung up the phone before Gilbert could reply. He never wanted to socialize with him more than necessary. Unfortunately, it was necessary to socialize with him more than necessary to keep Matthew happy.

Alfred left Matthew in the kitchen and went to the living room. He flipped on the TV and waited for Matthew to finish ordering the pizza.

He was itching for a cigarette. Alfred jumped up and walked out the door. He'd be back in time for the pizza. He pulled out a smoke and lit it. He figured he could walk around a bit and stretch his legs.

It was so hard to keep his attention for a long expanse of time. He was all over the place. He tried several different sports already. None of them kept his interest for long. Currently football was his adrenaline rush. It was such a thrill! He was always trying to outmaneuver people. It was almost as fun as ruining some of his ex-girlfriends.

All of his ex-girlfriends were nuts. They deserved whatever happened to them. It's not like anyone could pin anything substantial against him.

He stubbed his cigarette out on the ground. He was in front of Ivan's house. He could see him through the window. Why in the hell did he not have any blinds? Trying to show he had nothing to hide?

Ivan was sitting with his back to the window. It looked like he was playing some game on his computer. He knocked on the door. He was never any good with promises and plans, but he might as well get started.

A few minutes later and very large breasted girl came to the door. She looked surprised to see him. They obviously didn't get a lot of visitors.

"Hello, may I help you?" He accent was thicker than her brothers. She spent the most time in their country probably.

"I'm here to see Natasha. She and I have a… social engagement to attend to." He smiled and leaned against the door frame. He looked like a picture of innocence. Maybe he should join drama. No, too much emotion.

"I'll go get her." The girl bounced off to retrieve her sister. He was surprised she didn't object more. From what Ivan said she wasn't the type to go out with random guys. Perhaps Ivan wasn't telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth after all.

A few minutes later a pretty girl emerged in a blue dress. She looked like she was rushed to put something nice on. She didn't have the same chest her sister did. Alfred smiled warmly at her and held out his hand.

"Alfred F. Jones at your service." She took his hand cautiously. Good, she didn't completely reject the idea of a handsome caller.

"Natasha Braginski…" She stepped out the door.

"You're having pizza at my place tonight. My brother and his boyfriend are already there." He took her arm in his and started walking. She kept up with his gait.

"I am only doing this to please my sister. She has been on my nerves lately about going out and doing things." Natasha's against wasn't all that bad. Alfred smiled at her.

"Don't you worry your little heart out, miss. I'll take good care of you." He had to reign in a smirk that threatened his lips. This was going to be such a fun game!

* * *

A.N./ That took forever. I blame the research. Getting into the mind of a sociopath. Perhaps not the best thing to do. Not a problem. Maybe they are out of character. It has to be like this though for it to work in later chapters when I start getting into the fun stuff.


End file.
